In Which The Gap Fails Finn (And Pre-Teen Boys Everywhere)

 

    For reasons too complex to delve into, Sunday I had approximately twenty-four minutes to purchase Finn some underwear that he needed ASAP.  I didn't have time to drive to Target to buy his favorite Fruit of the Looms, so I squeezed in a trip to the mall between fixing some Santa Fe Soup and getting everyone presentable to go to Aunt Su's.  Aunt Lulu and her baby were in town, and the boys had to meet their new cousin.

    I ran into a couple of stores, neither of which carried Finn's size of underwear.  It seems that while I have uncommon breasts, Finn's fanny is a popular size.  The Gap was my last option.

    I found one package of XL underwear quickly.  It was perfect, containing one pair of gray knit boxer briefs, and one pair of white.    

    The Gap knit boxer, size XL, in white and gray.  Perfect for the 87 pound fifth grader.

   I figured he needed at least two more packages, and I continued to scan the shelves.   As I did, I was assaulted by a dizzying array of colors and designs, not only in XL, but XXL and perhaps higher.  My mind began reeling and I felt as if I was back in college, listening to "L.A. Woman" in a smoke filled dorm room festooned with psychedelic gauzy sheets on the walls. My heart started racing as I struggled to make sense of it all. 

    Here were the other designs available for fifth grade boys who know about sex, use deodorant and acne wash, are keenly aware when girls wear perfume, and conduct nightly searches for manly hairs in their armpits:

And most disturbingly:

    I gasped, and hailed a saleslady to look in the back for some plain XL underwear.  While she was gone, I fumbled in my purse for my Klonopin and swallowed half a pill right there.

    If you are wondering what is wrong with this underwear, I can only conclude that you design boys' underwear for the Gap or do not have a preteen.

    First, when little boys are transitioning from diapers to the potty, a mother's number one weapon looks like this:

    If you don't go in the potty, you wear a diaper.  If you go in the potty, you get to wear big boy pants with Sponge Bob on them.  Whee!

    Translation: only boys who are being rewarded for properly using the toilet wear underwear with little designs.

    Second,  a boy does not wear words on his butt.   Girls can wear panties with words on them:

Remember when Bloomies made the day of the week panties?  I had some.  Did you?   

 
      And, of course, ladies can wear underwear with words on the derriere:

This is pretty much how I look in my underwear every day of the week!

 Consequently, men do not wear underwear with words on them.  I left the Gap with only two pairs of plain underwear.

    According to its web site, the Gap's corporate purpose is to "make it easy for you to express your personal style throughout your life."

    I'd say the Gap failed pretty miserably in making it easy for Finn to express his personal style on his ass.

Comments

[Charlotte]

Of course I had the bloomies with the days of the week! but they came in a sixpack and there was always a day missing!

[kerflop]

I totally had days of the week panties. Also, my husband said he would have DIED before wearing underwear at that age in anything other than gray or white. He said, "An ice skate on my business? In the fifth grade? Absolutely not."

[Kristen]

Haha! Actually, I like that underwear, but I hadn't even thought about it for older kids. I can see why Finn might be embarrassed by it. Man, the things I have to look forward to! Right now my kids prefer the underwear with colors and characters.

[Rachel]

I found your site off a link on Joanne's Life blog, and just wanted to check in and let you know you definitely have gained a fan. Except "fan" sounds too stalker-ish. So...Um...Admirer? Follower?
Ah, hell, I like your site. Good enough.

[Cecelia]

I remember my days of the week panties from way back when I was in 9th grade. Me and all my girlfriend had them. We giggled over the fact that Sunday's pair was white, pastel colors Monday thru Thursday. Friday's were bright red and Saturday's were black. We thought it was hilarious that our mother's never noticed that they got racier as date nights approached!

[Amy]

My 12-year-old son has Gap boxers with red hearts and also the sports and striped boxers. It's funny, but when he spends the night somewhere the heart boxers always get left at home and only the striped and sports ones appear! I guess I won't pick out any more of those for him in the after Valentine's Day clearance!

[Bridget]

So true, so true! Just wait till he decides what GAP stands for in pre-teen lingo.

[baseballmom]

The Wiggles ones are a little disturbing and creepy! I think T would be okay with the gap ones, though...he likes the boxers from there with all sorts of colors, so I guess these would work!

[APL]

Days of the week underpants?

SALLY: Yes. They had the days of the week on them, and I thought they were sort of funny. And then one day Sheldon says to me, "You never wear Sunday." It was all suspicious. Where was Sunday? Where had I left Sunday? And I told him, and he didn't believe me.
HARRY: What?
SALLY: They don't make Sunday.
HARRY: Why not?
SALLY: Because of God.

That photo you posted tells me that yet again, Hollywood has lied to me. LIED, I tell you!

[clearlykels]

Umm, he would have definitely been horrified if you brought home any of those. I mean eventually it becomes funny-- my brother has all sorts of funny boxers-- however, he would have never worn those at that stage in his life.

I hope you were able to make it to Target for something suitable.

[Emily]

Aw, usually I read your posts and think about all I have to look forward to when my boys get a little bit older and this one, for some reason, makes me a little weepy. No more polka-dot undies?! Beginning of the end: get ready for acne and coarse hairs on that sophisticated booty of Finn's... :(

[Kelly]

We're still in the diapers-with-Simba-and-Nala stage -- as if 17-month-olds have any idea who Simba and Nala are. Sheesh! That's so 1994! Why not throw in some Smurfs while you're at it?

[Barbara M]

At least they weren't pink thongs! (or camo)

[alala]

Huh. Does that mean I should get rid of Ignatz's shark boxers? He seems to like them.

I dunno, I'll concede that the licensed characters must be gone from the undies by the time a boy is 6 or 7, and now that I think of it, probably the choo-choo trains too, but all images? I may have to consult my boys on this.

Then again, maybe Ignatz is skipping the middle stages and moving straight from dinosaurs to moose.

[bluepaintred]

i thought the gap undies were cool. specially the camo ones. *ducks*

sorry but I like brightly patterend socks and underwear and I have passed it on to my kids. *ducks again*

[karyn]

We have Ice Age underpants! We can't find Thomas the Tank Engine in size Gigantic Kid, but I think Cars will be making an appearance this holiday season... woohoo, does anything say Merry Christmas like underpants under the tree? Maybe I could fling them ON the tree. That would be different. Not very Martha though. But I digress.

My stepson has given me a preview into the underpants transition - from tighty whitey briefs (manly!, he said)to grey boxer briefs (they're sexy, he told me, at age 11) to conservatively hued cotton boxer shorts (give the boys some room to rock and roll down there - tenth grade) to santa-hat-wearing-penguins-making-kissy-faces-flannel boxers - WITH A CONDOM WRAPPER STUCK TO THEM (shrug) at age 18.

I am so happy to have these freaking Ice Age underpants arond here for now! (And for the record, the Gap has not adequately accommodated my desire to express myself for some years now, ever since I got knocked up, way back when.)

[Ren]

ahh, Klonopin.

[liz]

Muffin Man has those dinosaur undies. And Nemo. And rocket ships. And you're absolutely right, when he's a pre-teen he will sneer at them. And then when he's over 30, he'll swoon over flannel boxers with mooses on them.