Movin' On Down-- From The De-Luxe Apartment In The Sky

    Everyone knows that kids change your entire life, but I had no idea that my standard of living had declined so precipitously until I visited my youngest sister in New York this weekend.  She and her husband don't have children yet.  Her home was a sparkling haven of cleanliness and unscratched adult furnishings.

    I'd had some clues that her living conditions were considerably tidier than mine.  Last fall she came to visit and saw my " dining room " completely covered in laundry baskets.  While she was extremely polite when she inquired about it, her expression made it clear that she thought I was one step away from being the kind of person who sticks a rotting sofa on the front porch next to the rusty washing machine to provide a comfy place to sit while you drink sweet tea and watch the cars drive by.

      I got to her apartment while she was still at work.  Usually when I get to the city I have a gazillion places I want to go, but this time I walked in her front door and stopped, gasping in delight.  No crumbs.  Not a Lego in sight.  There were tasteful decorative items everywhere-- some even on the very low coffee table, which had sharp corners and a finish that would retain water stains within seconds of a glass being placed on it without a coaster.  I wandered around and admired the pristine surfaces and the unstained furniture.

    Her house could not have been more different than mine.  Out of  lawyerly habit, I immediately wrote the following memo:

A COMPARISON OF THE DECORATIVE HABITS OF CHILD-FREE VS. CHILD-REARING NATIVES OF AMERICA

ISSUE: Do women with children and those without display contrasting techniques in maintaining their houses?

SHORT ANSWER: Yes.

1) Bathroom Maintenance

    The sinks dotted with globs of blue toothpaste, sloppily hung towels, and bathing facilities filled with plastic toys tend to be found primarily in the homes of those with children of six months and older.  In contrast, child-free homeowners are able to hang unstained, beautifully monogrammed towels symmetrically under breakable art.  Their showers often hold a plethora of fancy shampoos, such as Kerastase or Bumble & Bumble, and expensive body washes, which are used only for proper washing and not for creating bubble baths for Lego ships to sail through.  I could locate no instances in which a child-free couple had entered the bathroom to find pee on the wall, a dog in the bathtub or water being squirted about the room through a bicycle pump. 

 

Exhibit A: Bathroom With Two Folded Towels: NYC (clean white towels and art); Glamore House (towels hung by Drew and Porter without being asked)

Exhibit B: Shower In Its Natural State: NYC (Bain Mousse Body Wash); Glamore House (Publix Tear-Free Baby Shampoo and Playmobil pirate ship)

Exhibit C: Bathroom Sink: NYC (Linden hand wash); Glamore House (Colgate SpongeBob Bubble Fruit toothpaste)

2) Living Areas

    Living areas also differed markedly between the two groups.  I photographed two sections of rug in each abode at random, and found a great difference in the quality, style, and most obviously, the cleanliness of the carpets being examined.

Exhibit D: Sample Swatch of Carpet: NYC (colorful and clean); Glamore House (dirty sock, quarter, string, mud stain under sock)

    The kitchen facilities were also dissimilar.  The child-free couple had sanitary counters with a high quality espresso maker in good working order, Tabasco in a silver holder, and ornamental china immediately under the cabinet where the glasses are stored. 

    The other house's counters were crumb-covered, and the crumbs did not appear to be of recent vintage.  A well-used sponge and an old package of hot dog buns provided the only counterpoint to the sturdy coffee maker.  There were no breakable items in this location, as this counter is also under the cabinet where glasses are kept, and thus boys frequently climb on it as they attempt to quench their thirst.

Exhibit E: Coffee Stations: NYC (Illy espresso pods); Glamore House (Kellogg's Raisin Bran, old shredded cheddar)

3) Work Areas

    As expected, the work areas in the two residences also varied in tidiness, organization, and overall ambiance.  The exhibits should suffice to make this point.

Exhibit F: Office Areas: NYC (sleek Mac, corkboard and fancy thumbtacks); Glamore house (tepid water, notes and drafts, expired passport)

4) Individual Touches

    The child-free residence featured some aspects that would be completely inappropriate in a child-filled home.  To wit:

Exhibit F: Items peculiar to NYC home (green marble dog holding a dish of chocolates, the number of  which never diminished; fragile shells in delicate bowl on coffee table, at the approximate height of a ten month old who can pull up; this ornamental display should be recategorized as an attractive nuisance once the home is invaded by little ones)

    Similarly, there were numerous small bits of detritus strewn about the Glamore home which served no purpose whatsoever, but which were loudly proclaimed to be valuable commodities when the mother picked them up and walked toward the trashcan with them.  I also documented a higher activity level in the house with children, including the invention of the "Bicycle Pump That Washes the Shower" which was invented by the same boy who thought up "The Hat That Lets You Blow In Your Own Ear."

Exhibit G: Unclothed Boy Demonstrates the Proper Use of the Bicycle Pump Shower Washer

Conclusion:  While at the moment these two American women's surroundings are drastically different, the New Yorker's days living in a clean environment are numbered, as she recently peed on a stick and got a positive reading.  My recommendation is that she examine this report carefully and adjust her surroundings and more important, her expectations, in order to conform with her new reality as illustrated by the Glamore household.  She'll be movin' on down, but loving every minute of it.

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Many thanks to Miss Zoot for advice on lining up the pictures in this post-- check out her cool boy and darling little girl at her site!  Don't miss the design page!