It's Natural, But It's Rated "R"

    For various reasons, it became clear to Bill and me about a month ago that it was time to educate Finn about the facts of human reproduction.  Last week, the twins were invited to a friend's party, so we had an opportunity for a quiet talk. 

    Before we summoned Finn, I told Bill, "Look, I know I'm the talker in this family, but you're the male.  You need to take an active role and give the male perspective on things."

     "That's why I'm here, honey," he replied coolly.

    "And we have to make this quick so we can go eat dinner," I added.  "I'm PMS-ing like a mad dog and if I don't get some chocolate I'm gonna blow."

    "Settle down, mama," he said, patting me on the back, and he called Finn into the kitchen for a chat.

    We sat there for a minute, and when Bill didn't say anything, I decided to start.

    "I bet you have a lot of questions about how babies are made," I said by way of introduction.

    "Not really," Finn said.

    "In that case, I'll just go ahead and fill you in on some things you need to know, because we'd rather you hear these things from us than from someone at school," I continued.  "If you have any questions, you just stop us and ask."

    "It's very important that you feel comfortable talking to us about these things," Bill said.

    "Whatever," Finn said.

    I took a deep breath, and plunged in.  I said that what we've told him before is true: when a mom and a dad want to have a baby, they do have to pray to God and ask him to bless them with one.  But there's more to it than that-- you have to take some affirmative action, and that involves getting in the bed together and taking off all your clothes.

    Finn was unmoved.  I looked at Bill, who gave me a thumbs up sign, so I continued.

    "And then the mom and the dad make love, which is also called having sex, or sexual intercourse,"  I said.  "Basically they get in the bed and the mom and the dad kiss and make googly eyes at each other and then they have sex."

    I realized about this time that I was under prepared for the speech.  I had not made an outline, nor had I googled possible approaches.  Clearly the next part was to explain exactly what sex was, so I backed up a bit.

    "So, let me back up a little," I said.  "To make a baby, you have to have an egg and some fertilizer.  Every month, moms make an egg."

    Finn stared at me in amazement.  "Do you lay it?"  he asked.

    "No, I just make the egg inside my stomach, but that's a good question," I replied, deciding to skip the whole menses part of the talk.  "But you should know that it is very hard to make an egg.  Sometimes it makes women crotchety.  So if I'm in a bad mood you should go easy on me because inside I am probably working very diligently to make an egg."

    "Don't take this the wrong way, mom, but it seems to me like maybe you've been making an egg today," Finn commented.

    "You're right," I admitted.  "But the trick to keeping women happy is that you never ask them if they are making an egg.  If you think they are, you say something like, "Do you need me to bring you a chocolate chip cookie?" or "How would you like a back rub?"

    "That sounds easy," Finn said.

    "I wish my mother had told me that," Bill said.  "Are we going to talk about women, or are we going to talk about what we came here to talk about?"

    I glared at him.  "Do you want to take over?"

    "No, honey, you're doing just fine," he said, backing off.

    "Anyway," I went on, "the mom has the egg, and it needs to be fertilized.  The man has the fertilizer.  So the egg and the fertilizer have to get together.  Any idea how that happens?" I asked, hoping he'd know and save me the trouble of explaining.

    "Not a clue," Finn replied.  He was swinging his feet so that they hit the bottom of his chair: THUD...THUD...THUD...THUD

    "COULD YOU CUT THAT OUT?" I yelled.

    "What?"

    "That thing you're doing with your feet.  It must STOP," I emphasized.

    "Sorry," Finn said.

    I took off my glasses, cleaned them, and went on.

    "Well, um, it turns out that your willy is not just a cool thing to pee out of.  It's also where you carry your fertilizer.  So the dad uses his willy, his penis, to get his fertilizer to the egg."

    "I thought the egg was inside you," Finn pointed out.

    Dang.  He was really making this excruciatingly hard.  I looked at Bill.  He had nothing for me.  He avoided my glance.

    "Yes, I know, the egg is inside the woman, and the fertilizer is in the man's penis, so what happens is that the mom and dad kiss a little--"

    "And make googly eyes at each other," Finn said impatiently--

    "Yes, don't forget the googly eyes-- and then, and then, and then..."

    I looked at Bill, who was looking at me, and it was like I could not control my hands and arms.  As if from far away, I saw myself forming a circle with my left hand and poking my right index finger in and out of the circle, in the universal symbol for coitus, and I explained, "and then the dad's willy gets hard like a stick and he puts his penis into her vagina and the fertilizer comes out and he fertilizes the egg."

    I heard a door slam and noticed Bill was gone.

    "Mom," Finn whispered, "Daddy just ran to the bathroom and I'm pretty sure he didn't have to pee."

    Together we tiptoed to the door and listened.  We could hear Bill gasping for air as he tried to stop laughing.

    "Let's go back to the table," I said.  "We can finish this talk without your Daddy."

    "I have a question," Finn said.  "Why did you say the dad's willy has to get as hard as a stick?"

    Good Lord, did I say that?  Why did I say that?  Out of the corner of my eye I saw Bill, red faced, returning from the bathroom as I tried to formulate an answer.

    "You see," I began, "you can't have sex, I mean, a dad can't have sex with that floppy kind of willy you walk around with all the time.  For some reason it won't work.  So the willy has to get hard like a stick to have sex."

    Just as I remembered where I was going with this thought, Bill's face started to turn purple and he headed for the bathroom again.

    "So, sometimes willys practice getting hard like a stick so they'll be ready when it's time to have sex.  That's why sometimes you wake up and your willy is sticking out in front of you instead of hanging down.  Or later when you get a little older, you might see a pretty girl and your penis might get hard as a stick.  That's perfectly normal," I stressed.  "It just means your willy is practicing for when you're grown up and want to make a baby."

    Finn nodded. 

    The talk didn't stop there, although as far as Bill was concerned, it was over.  He came back to the table and sat stiffly in his chair, with a tortured look on his face.

    I explained exactly where the penis goes, and shocked the hell out of Finn by telling him that babies came out that same hole.  That opened the door for me to stress the fact that whether the baby comes out your vagina or your stomach, it hurts really, really bad to have a baby, so you should be sure and buy your wife a nice present when she has a baby.

    "I would think you'd want to get her something very expensive," Finn agreed.

    "Well, it doesn't have to be expensive, as long as it's meaningful.  But a ring or bracelet is nice," I noted.

    Bill rolled his eyes.

    While we were at it, I decided to dispel a widely held rumor in the Glamore household. 

     "You should also know that women have a special place to pee from.  It's not nearly as exciting as your willy, but women do not pee from their butts.  This is the only part of our talk that you can discuss with your brothers, okay?"

    "Okay," Finn said.  "Is it almost time for dinner?"

    Thankfully, it was, so we headed out to eat.  I ate all my pasta and a huge slice of flourless chocolate cake.

    That night, after we tucked Finn, Bill got in bed and started making notes. 

    "What are you doing?" I asked.  Usually he gets in bed, pretends to read Triathlete magazine for a few minutes, then falls asleep.

    "Honey, that was a fabulous talk," he said.  "You do realize that we have to give that talk two more times, so I thought I'd make some notes so we wouldn't forget how it goes."

    "WE have to give that talk again?" I asked furiously.  "You tell me exactly where in the conversation the 'we' came into it.  As I recall, you were in the bathroom redfaced while I was figuring out how to tell your son about erections.  There was no 'we' there; that was ME giving that talk."

    "Well, you're right," Bill admitted.  "It's just that I didn't expect it to get so technical.  I never could have given it as well as you.  For the sake of our family,  I think you should be in charge of that talk from here on out," he said.

    "I will," I said, "since apparently I'm the only one with the balls to use plain language and put it down where the goats can get it."

    "You're right.  You win," Bill said.  "Can I give you a back rub?"

    And he did.
   

Comments

[Tish]

I'm still trying to catch my breath!!!!!!!!!
Remind me to call you in a month or two when we have our little talk

[Louise Parker]

I LOVE reading what you write, and could not agree with it ANY more!! Look foward to reading more!
Sinerely,
Louise

[Belinda]

Oh. Good. Heavens. I am going to have to link to this story from my blog. I want everyone I know to read it. A+ for your deft handling of all the "willy" talk, and super BONUS points for using the phrase, "putting it down where the goats can get it." You rock.

[MetroDad]

Holy shit! That was fucking hysterical. I'm dreading this conversation. But since my daughter's not even a year old, I'm hoping that it's a long ways away. And I think I'll leave it to the wife to have this talk with her.

[miel]

One thing that might be good to tell him is not that the egg need to be fertilized but that the egg must be kept from being fertilized AT ALL COSTS.

He'll be old enough to figure out the rest if this becomes untrue.

ATTENTION: AVOID FERTILIZING THE EGG...

At least that's what I'm going to tell my son.

[halloweenlover]

You are awesome. I was cracking up throughout this whole post. Finn is going to be the best boyfriend and husband ever. My favorite was "I would think you'd want to get her something very expensive," Finn is my hero!

[KLee]

That was freakin' hilarious. Corndog sent me over as well, I have to say that I would like to hire you to think up the female version of that speech. I attempted to talk to my daughter about it, but it didn't go so well. :)

I also find it reassuring that you are teaching a new generation that women, in fact, do not pee from their butts. Good to know.

[liz]

Hi from Cubicle Land. Corndog sent me over and I'm going purple from trying to laugh silently.

What a wonderful mom you are!

[Laurie]

Oh, God! That is so funny. GREAT STORY. Thanks for giving me pointers for when Anthony is ready for this talk.

[Running2Ks]

I came over here from Corndog's place and I have to say, I'm staying. I love this talk. Way better than my mom's talk. And Finn is priceless--seems like you've been making an egg. What a peach! Great story!

[Not Your Fan]

Wow, y'all start abrainwashin' 'em young-like, doncha? Funny how my wife and I didn't have to pray to God to get either of our children, huh? Weird.

[HodgePodge]

I am going to print this off and save it for when my son is older. You are my parenting hero!

[Erudite Redneck]

Awesome!

[Busy Mom]

*runs to bathroom to keep from laughing*

[Karen M]

I can't believe I didn't read this when I was here last! Must have been late. I agree... you could charge for this. Or at least write a book, just like above, but for parents. An icebreaker. Illustrated, of course, with pictures of the dad hiding out & bursting with laughter...

[corndog]

You know you really shouldn't be giving stuff this good away for free. You had me at "googly eyes." As Crush the Turtle so memorably said, "You. So. Totally. Rock."

[Carmen]

Oh, my, GOD. That was one of the funniest things I've read in forever. I need to wear a depends when I read your stuff.

Can you come talk to my kids??

[Karen M]

Best Books Literary Meme

I was tagged for this literary meme by Bonnie at Wandering Willow.

And now I've tagged you!

~ Karen